Tales from the Courtroom Trenches: The Very Confused Steak Thief

I began my legal career as a Crown prosecutor, working out of the provincial Crown offices in Vancouver. As a green rookie, I was assigned the high profile cases (yeah, sure) like theft under $5,000, solicitation and other petty crimes not deemed important enough for the big shots to handle. One day I found myself at trial facing the notorious steak thief of Vancouver. This fellow was a veteran of the system who had a fondness for well grilled beef steaks. He was a wheelchair-bound war veteran who would wheel himself around a supermarket and help himself to the best steaks at the meat counter which he would conceal (poorly) under a blanket that he held in his lap.

Every time he appeared before a judge on a theft charge, he had a different excuse. No prosecutor could get a conviction, and he was getting to be a bit of a legend at the courthouse. Sure enough, when I got him on the stand, he pulled another trick. He opened a large paper bag and started pulling out various small bottles of pills, one by one, placing them strategically all over the court reporter’s desk. He explained that he was on at least 12 different medications and that they made him very confused. He further explained that, at the time of the alleged theft, he must have been so confused that he didn’t know what he was doing. He had the Judge nodding with him. He smiled at me. He sensed another victory in his grasp.

I asked him about each medication — why it was prescribed, the dosage and how often he was to take it. He was very accommodating. He was very proud of the fact that he knew precisely what each drug did, how much he was supposed to take and when. He gave this evidence in a clear, concise, confident manner. I thanked him for being so helpful.

In my closing arguments, I asked the Judge to consider the fact that the Defendant was able to accurately and precisely recount to the Court all the details of his prescribed medication. He did not appear confused. In fact, he was far less confused than I was at any given moment in time.

And yes, the Judge bought my argument. The notorious steak thief of Vancouver went down that day. His first conviction. One of the first notches on my belt.